Blackbird Running

It's Official!

2010-04-02T13:19:00.000-04:00

I officially registered for a sprint triathlon on April 18. Gulp. Scary stuff...

I've tried to talk myself out of it so many times, but I've won out mentally. I may very well be in the very back of the pack, but I'm determined to finish. I've been wanting this for a long time, and I hope I can reach this goal!

My training has been firmly back on track this week. Two swims, four bike rides, two runs. Whew. I'm pushing myself hard and I hope it pays off. I'm heading out of town for Easter and am determined to keep up with my workouts, even if it's just treadmill running.

I'm really excited for my race...and I think the excitement outweighs the terror. I'm confronting inner demons left and right. I can do this...I can do this...

Demon Conquered

2010-03-15T16:41:00.000-04:00

...but first, a(nother) confession: My training has been awful lately. At one point it had been a full seven days since I last worked out. My eating habits haven't been as good, and I've gained a couple pounds. In a nutshell, I used a change in life/schedule as an excuse to sit on my behind and collect dust.

The good news: I'm back. I'm also terrified that I've squandered precious training time that I need to be ready for the triathlon I want to compete in come April. I think I'll be OK...I hope I will. But I'm feeling a serious fire being lit under me. It's go big or go home time.

Some key steps towards this happened over the weekend. I finally purchased a swimsuit with enough support to sustain me from pool to road in a triathlon. It's no tri suit, but it's sturdy enough to ride and run in, so that fulfills my requirement. I should be able to hop out of the pool, throw on a pair of shorts and shirt, hop on my bike and go. I'm aiming to get back in the pool tonight after a lengthy absence.

Second major hurdle cleared: I finally (FINALLY!) got my bike situation figured out. After several frustrating rides where I was convinced my gears were incapable of shifting, I at long last figured out how to use the darn things. My terribly supportive husband helped me look up some specifics and before long I was happily shifting my way around my neighborhood. Next hurdle: Biking is hard. No one told me that :) But I'm trying to fit in even just a little bit every day to get my legs up to speed. Ten miles suddenly seems a lot longer than it did originally...

So my goal for the next month is to run once per week (two if time permits), but otherwise focus on the biking and swimming aspects. I just hope I have enough time...

During my down weeks I also had major crises of confidence. Am I truly fit enough to do a triathlon, let alone one in a month? Time will tell, but I believe I am. I can't quit now just because things have become hard.

Cue meltdown in three...two...one...

2010-02-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Since the past few blogging days have been about making embarrassing confessions, I have another for you:

I had a mini meltdown on Sunday about my bike.

I knew it was coming, based on my internal freak-out that happened on Saturday. Luckily I was able to accomplish something productive out of the whole incident.

I was supposed to swim on Sunday, but my body was just far too sore from Saturday's run, so I wussed out. Instead I decided to conquer my biking fears. I dutifully suited up in some biking clothes, affixed my helmet, and set off into the garage to confront the beast.

My husband supportively came with me and tried to give me a lesson on shifting gears because, as we've covered, I'm in my mid-20s and do not know how to properly ride a bike. He toyed with the gear shifters for a few minutes, face scrunched up. He finally made the grand pronouncement of "I don't think these are working." Great.

He then helpfully attempted to inflate my tires a bit. Instant problem: We don't have the proper adapter to attach the air pump to the tires. In his effort to try, he wound up partially deflating my tires. Things are going just grand at this point.

So here I stand, in my bike clothes, nerdy helmet perched on my head, with no working bike. I sullenly wander inside the house to see if the local bike shop is open on Sunday for tune ups. No dice. They're not open until Tuesday.

I burst into tears.

An overreaction, to be sure, but I knew it was bound to happen sooner or later. I felt like all this training I've been doing has been a big sham. Who was I to think I could do something as athletic as compete in a triathlon? How could I have possibly thought I could pull of an April 18 sprint tri without knowing how to adequately ride a bike and swimming at the speed of molasses? Why was I even bothering?

I cried for a few minutes while my cats circled in concern. I then bucked up and found another bike shop in the area, one that specializes in triathlons, that was open for another 30 minutes. My husband and I loaded the bike in my car and off we went. She should be ready on Wednesday for pickup. Come that time I'm going to swallow my insecurities and ask the shop for a brief tutorial on how to use my bike most efficiently (aka, "Please help me, I don't even know how to change gears).

This will get easier. I will get better.

Consistency

2010-02-22T10:49:00.000-05:00

I had a fantastic run on Saturday. I worked hard and I'm paying the price for it...ow. Still super sore, and it's been two days!

With temperatures in the low 60s, I set off for my first run around the pond in about a month. I am significantly slower when I run outdoors, but I'm coming to terms with that. The good news: I've gotten a little faster. I'm up to about a 12 minute mile, which is still very slow but faster than the 14 or 15 minute miles I was getting when I first started running back in August. I'll take it!

The best news is that I am finally running consistently. For a long time I would run fast at the start and then slowly but surely taper off over the course of my run. My time on the treadmill must be paying off, because I was hitting my marks on the nose throughout the entire run. I'm going to consider this progress!

I ran 3.5 miles including 10 minutes of walking (about a half mile) in line with my 8K training plan. I believe this was the longest I've run outdoors since my 5K in November, and my body is feeling it! Overall I was really proud of myself and felt great. I miss running outdoors...I'll be very happy once spring begins to show its face around here!

Mental Block

2010-02-20T11:45:00.000-05:00

I have a confession to make: I'm intimidated by my new bike.

She's not so scary looking, is she? But...here's my other embarrassing confession: I've only ever ridden one-speed bikes. Growing up I always rode my older sisters' bikes, which were old one-speeds. I may have ridden a more advanced bike for a year or two but it was the kind where you shift gears by backpedaling, and my neighborhood was flat so I never needed to change gears. So here I am, a grown woman, and I don't know how to properly ride a big girl bike.

I went for my first ride on the new girl on Thursday, and it was not quite what I hoped it would be. Third embarrassing confession of the day: I've only ridden a non-stationary bike twice in the past two years. Prior to that it had been fifteen years since I'd been on a bike as a child. So, my confidence and balance need some work. I puttered around my neighborhood for a couple of miles just trying to get my legs under me. When I was riding smoothly it was pretty awesome. I need to get used to being on a road bike with the low handlebars, and I kept straining my neck trying to be bent over while still maintaining a clear view of the road over my glasses. Note to self: Next time, wear contacts.

Biggest hurdle: I literally do not know how to ride a bike with gears. I would get to a hill and the bike would.not.move. Clearly I was in the wrong gear, and I didn't know how to fix it. I tried flipping through the gear shifts and trying to find the right one, but it just wasn't working. And you know how I am about what I perceive to be failure.

So here I sit on a 50+ degree day, talking myself out of going bike riding. I know that I just need to get over the hurdle of figuring out gear shifting and then I'll feel great, but until then I'm panicking and wondering if I'm really going to be ready for a triathlon in mid-April. What if I can't bike up hills? What if I get a flat and don't know how to patch it? What if my chain jumps off and I don't know how to fix it. What if I can't finish my first tri?!?!?!?!

Deep breaths. Combined with my swimming weakness I'm sitting here having a serious tri panic. Does everyone go through this? I was feeling super confident just last week after I did a mini sprint tri at the gym (swam 400 yards, stationary-biked 10 miles, treadmill-ran 1.25 miles), but now I'm feeling overwhelmed.

The temperatures this weekend are supposed to be in the high-50s, low 60s both days, and the sunshine is staring me in the face like a loaded gun. I have to get out there. I WANT to get out there. But I'm afraid of failure.

I just need to man up and go. I'll figure it out. I'll get better....right?

I've been training, really I have!

2010-02-18T12:34:00.000-05:00

My apologies for the long, long delay in posting anything. In truth I've been too busy training!

The demands of work, training, teaching, dog and assorted life crises have kept me on my toes lately. Through it all I've come to realize that working out is the one thing truly keeping me sane during this hectic time in my life. There is a notable difference in my demeanor (a cranky one) on the days when I am not able to work out. Coming home from a good run or bike ride has me feeling like a million bucks and I crave those endorphins now. How on earth did I ever live without adrenaline rushes for so long?!

My triathlon training is going well. I'm realizing that my swimming needs a lot of work, so I've now committed to at least one, if not two, swims per week. Each swim gets a little easier, so I just need to keep hammering away at my endurance.

I've had some great runs lately. I've finally come to view the treadmill as an ally and I no longer dread those indoor workouts. I had a phenomenal experience running in the Arizona mountains while visiting family earlier this month, and it made me realize how lucky I am in life. Regardless of previously mentioned life crises, I am still happy, healthy, and able to run. For this I am grateful. One of my favorite running blogs also recently talked about a similar epiphany while running through beautiful scenery, and I thought frequently of this sentiment as I breathed in the crisp mountain air. Truly blessed indeed.

My big news of the week is that I just purchased a road bike! So I'm now able to fully train and race in my upcoming April triathlon. She's sitting in my car at the moment, just waiting to be unloaded and taken for a ride. I plan on trekking around the neighborhood a bit this evening to get a feel for her before making my way to the pool. Ah the life of an aspiring triathlete! Such simple pleasures.

This weekend is supposed to be beautiful, with highs in the upper 50s. It'll be the first warm spell for close to a month around these parts, and I intend to take full advantage with lots of bike rides and outdoor runs.

I'll be more diligent about updating the blog from this point forward. So tune in for more adventures!

Maybe I'm Finally Getting the Hang of This

2010-01-21T12:16:00.000-05:00

Two nights ago I fully intended to hit the gym and bike around 10 miles to start my triathlon training again. I drove to the gym and circled around the parking lot for a few minutes before I realized that something must have been happening on campus. Not only was the gym parking lot full, but the other nearby lots were packed and there were people milling around. Possibly a show going on in the theatre, which is a floor up from the gym. I decided to call my plan off. I wound up doing a 30 minute core/cardio workout at home instead. My abs are not pleased with me.

Last night I dragged myself to the gym for another treadmill run. I tried very hard to talk myself out of it, again, but ultimately I got on the dreaded machine.

Something I never thought I'd say: The treadmill is growing on me. I like that I can run faster on it, and that I can track my progress. As much as I love my pond trail, and I can fairly accurately count my pace based on time and distance (each loop around the pond is just shy of .25 miles), I don't get the same feedback as I do from the treadmill. Maybe our strained relationship can be improved after all.

Each time I do a treadmill run I try to edge my speed up a notch or two. Tiny notches, but they add up. A couple weeks ago I was consistently running at 5.2mph, and now I'm up to 5.8mph with some forays into the 6s. Still freaking slow, but steady improvement. I ran harder than usual, and embraced the sweat and the pain in my legs. Time seemed to fly by as I focused on my distance and pace, not time. About halfway through the workout I realized that I could reach a total of 4 miles if I stepped it up a bit, so I did. In the dying seconds of my run I was flat out - I got up to 8mph. So that's what an 8 minute mile feels like! And I realized...it's hard. But it's not THAT hard. I haven't been pushing myself enough, so from now on each run I really want to work on my intensity and speed. I CAN do it, I just need to put in the effort and dedication.

The run ended with me furiously pounding away at 8mph, as the distance calculator climbed to 3.96, 3.97....and then stopped. My 46 minutes had come to an end and the treadmill shut down. That 3.97 is going to taunt me for a while, but it will be conquered soon. This was my last workout of Week 2, so my next run will put me up to four repetitions of running 9 minutes, walking 1 minute. I can't wait.

Breakthrough?

2010-01-19T15:39:00.000-05:00

Last night I thought I was going to have an awful run. I really had to talk myself into going at all, plus my shins were still incredibly tight. I started running really, really slowly and figured I would just push through and get the run done and move on.

About a half mile in I realized that if I ran faster my shins actually felt better, as though the tension was being worked out of them, so I kept up the pace. I was by no means flying, but I was running faster than usual. I began to lock into that pace after my designated minute walking sections and my muscles could "feel" that pace again. It was great. Instead of my pace increasing and slowing over the course of a run it stayed pretty consistent, and it was more challenging for me. I read today about the concept of tempo runs and I think I accidentally stumbled into something similar last night.

I'm far, far from my goal pace, but last night I was definitely faster and I'm encouraged by that. I felt fantastic when I got home and I'm excited for tomorrow's run. Tonight I hit the bike at the gym.

A New Focus?

2010-01-18T12:59:00.000-05:00

My cryptically-referred-to swim never materialized yesterday. I got caught up in housework fever, plus my legs were feeling very sore from my last two runs and I didn't want to overdo it. These are all lovely excuses for the real reason: I am avoiding getting back in that pool.

I last swam on Labor Day at the start of my first foray into triathlon training. I was a fish growing up, always in my parents' pool and was a great swimmer. That was...many years ago. I'm also largely a self-taught swimmer because I was medically excused from gym class beginning in 7th grade (knee injury), so my technique gets me from Point A to Point B but not very efficiently.

First of all, I get a bit overwhelmed by new things. Locating the pool, establishing space in the locker room and figuring out where to check in/how many yards the pool was/what the rules were really made me nervous. Quite honestly, this is likely the real reason why I've been avoiding going back in the pool. I like routine, and new-ish things are not routine. I need to get over this. Once in the pool and swimming I quickly realized that the other swimmers were swimming much differently than I was. I was never really properly taught how to freestyle, so I don't put my head in the water and my kick is sort of a breast stroke/wild flailing hybrid. It is slow but, more importantly, it completely exhausts me because it's so much work. I've been watching freestyle technique videos online and need to basically re-train myself how to do it. This also feels like a daunting task.

Why am I focused on getting back in the pool? Because I think I might want (translation: I want but don't want to commit because I'm terrified I can't do it) to compete in a sprint triathlon in mid-April. Logically I know that I CAN do it. The swim portion is only 300 yards, which I should be able to manage quite nimbly with three months to go. The bike part is only 10 miles, which I can easily do. I've already run a 5K and am training for 8K. This should be a piece of cake.

Except I'm terrified. At the beginning of this journey, back in August, I declared to my friend that if I ever completed a triathlon I would feel like the biggest badass in the world. Her response: "Then do it. What's stopping you?" Simple but true. I've been psyching myself out of it for months now, convinced that my physical and mental abilities are somehow too inferior to contemplate actually completing a tri. Putting a hard date on it (April 18, gulp....) is scaring the bejesus out of me. I'm avoiding registering until the last minute "just in case." Just in case what?! I break my leg? I move away? That I'm somehow "not ready" even though I'm already prepared for two out of three portions, with the third being do-able within a few weeks of training? I'm a loon.

...Oh but I hope to soon also be a triathlete!

Tough, But Enjoyable

2010-01-16T15:59:00.000-05:00

I just got back from my Week 2, Day 1 run in GW28K. Overall it wasn't a great run, but I enjoyed myself and it feels good to persevere through a tough workout.

My calves were real tight the whole run, so I ran slightly below turtle in pacing. My husband and I took the puppy back out to the soccer field, where I'd had a great run last time. This time I felt a bit winded and suffered with my calves, but I got my run in and that's what matters.

The skies were gray but the temperature was in the high 50s, so it was a great time to run. While I was running I noticed a college employee come up to my husband and start talking, so I jogged over to investigate. Turns out we're not supposed to have the dog out on the soccer field...whoops. As the employee left, my husband grumbles under his breath, "Dogs aren't allowed, but evidently jugglers are just fine," with a pointed glare at some students on the other side of the field.

The cross country trails were recommended to us, so perhaps we'll check those out next weekend. I've been meaning to find and run on those for some time, so this will be a good excuse.

I'm beginning to ramble a bit and lose focus...which is my cue to sign off for the moment. Tomorrow is a big day: My first swim since September. Why swimming, you ask? Stay tuned for the next post...

A Return to Form

2010-01-15T14:52:00.000-05:00

Last night I eagerly hurried home to run outside before the 6pm sunset. It was lovely outside, in the low-to-mid 50s, and my attire of Adidas pants and long-sleeved cotton shirt were perfect.

I felt strong in my run, even though I continuously stressed about my speed (or lack thereof). It's frustrating to run 2.5 miles outdoors in the same amount of time it takes me to run 3.5 miles on the treadmill. And I'm not even running that fast on the treadmill! Grr.

The pond was almost entirely frozen, which was beautiful. The trail was icy in patches so I had to be careful. This is why I don't enjoy the treadmill as much as my pond:

I had to stop and take a picture of this scene last night. The sunset was so beautiful, and the reflection off the half-frozen water was gorgeous. I thoroughly enjoyed my run.

I do feel that my strength and endurance are improving. I'd love some pointers on how to improve my speed, as well.

Next scheduled run: Saturday, if it doesn't rain. Gateway to 8K Week Two: Here I come!

Back on Track

2010-01-14T08:41:00.000-05:00

After a somewhat disappointing start to my 8K program, I was anxious for my second workout to erase the unpleasant memories of the first. I unfortunately came down with a cold, likely brought on by pre-semester stress at work, and didn't feel like myself for days. In fact, I still feel very worn down, but by and large my cold has passed. Tuesday marked my first day running since I started feeling under the weather.

The run was better. I had my own, fully functional headphones, which made a huge difference. The glitches still existed in the GW28K iPhone app, but I expected them this time and planned around then. I was able to sustain my pace more consistently, and I ran a little faster. I really struggled in sections. It's frustrating because when I'm outside I can run 25+ minutes and want to go further, but on the treadmill I'm running like a lead balloon and dying from boredom by minute 4. I need to learn to make peace with the treadmill.

A benefit of the treadmill, as I mentioned before, is that I can monitor my pace and distance. As stated before, I'm a slow runner. Turtles could pass me. My first run I started at 6.2mph for a song or two (Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" does that to me), but then camped out around 5.2mph for the duration of the run. This time I consistently held at 5.6mph and did my warmup, walking sections, and cool down all at 3.5mph. That allowed me to run further than I had last time, 3.5 miles as opposed to 3.3. I'd like to keep up this pattern and edge up my speed each week, and perhaps reset back down once a new week and distance start if I find I can't keep that pace for longer. We'll see.

Overall the run was fine. I will learn to love the treadmill one of these days.

In brighter news, North Carolina has finally started thawing out. And by thawing out I mean "out of the 30s," which is cold for down here. Today it's supposed to hit 55, so I'm fully intending to speed home after work, throw on my workout clothes and go running around the pond. Perhaps a good old-fashioned run outdoors will reinvigorate me.

Gateway to 8K

2010-01-06T16:26:00.000-05:00

Yesterday marked my first workout on the Gateway to 8K plan, an extension of my beloved Couch to 5K. It went....so-so.

I knew it would be a treadmill workout, because I'd be getting home after dark and North Carolina is going through a cold spell this week, so I admit I wasn't looking forward too much to my run. I diligently packed my gym bag in the morning and tried to pump myself up for the run all day. A million things conspired to convince me out of the workout, but I persevered.

First, I drove past the gym on my way home. I then had to make a left onto a busy road to get back, but I did it. I then discovered that I'd forgotten to pack headphones for my iPhone, and I absolutely abhor running, especially on the treadmill, without music. I managed to scrounge a pair up from the student help desk that only played music into one ear, but it worked. It took a fair amount of diddling around with the headphone jack to get it to properly play in my phone, but no matter. I thus began my run.

The GW28K app was disappointingly buggy. There was a definite glitch in the run times, as it listed 3 running sections and 3 walking sections, but then tacked on standalone run and walk sections at the end, confusingly. I kept adjusting the time on my treadmill and basically just couldn't relax and enjoy my run. The app also wouldn't allow me to shuffle my music, so I had to grit my teeth through an alphabetical run-through of my songs. I'm anxiously awaiting a software update.

I found the run challenging, as I tend to find treadmill runs. I did run faster than usual because I was on a treadmill, so I suppose it's good for me to practice that pace. I get too distracted by the treadmill, however. I'm constantly checking my time, speed, etc. One thing I did not check, however, was calories burned. Generally when I'm on a piece of gym equipment I watch my calories like a hawk circling over prey. This time I didn't think about it until this morning, when I realized I hadn't looked at my calorie count. It feels good to workout for aerobic benefit and pure enjoyment instead of weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I've been quietly and steadily shedding some pounds since early December. Usually when I try to lose weight I utilize various combinations of strict calorie watching and constant exercise. This time I've simply been eating moderate portions of whatever I want, and making healthy choices when at the grocery store or at restaurants. I even managed to lose a little weight over Christmas. As of this morning I'm down 7lbs and I'm thrilled. Running has definitely contributed, and I'm excited to see how much further I can go.

Doubt

2010-01-05T08:00:00.013-05:00

I've tried my hardest to be very honest with this blog. In the past I'd want to hide my flaws and failures. In the past I wouldn't have drawn attention to my four week running lapse, because I would have felt ashamed. Heck, I probably would've stopped blogging entirely because I wouldn't have wanted to admit to my perceived mistakes. My fear of failure and public ridicule is earth shatteringly strong and I'm the first to recognize that.

Self doubt and failure are issues I struggle with every day, even beyond running, and they're issues I felt were important to write about for my own well being and that of anyone reading my humble blog. I had intended to write a post about this in the upcoming weeks, when I read a well-timed entry on another running blog that I found very touching:

"i still doubt before every run. i wanted this year's goal to be enjoy. but i need to believe first. i can't enjoy the thrill of a run because i still feel like i need to prove to myself that i'm good enough. the more i run the closer i get to believing. it will happen."

I identify so much with this, and I'm sure others do as well. I believe that part of the reason why it was easy for me to slip into a long running lapse is because, frankly, convincing myself to run is exhausting. It goes something like this:

"I should run. But it'll be such a pain to get changed and go outside in this dark/cold/whatever weather. And then I have to RUN, and I can't run. I'm so slow compared to other runners. I'm going to get laughed out of any races I run because I'm so darn slow. I'm not even good at this anyway. Look, my legs are hurting, my lungs are heaving...this must all mean I'm not a real runner. I'm not good enough to be considered a real runner. I should just stop now before other runners see me and realize I'm just a pretender."

It is mental draining for me to run. It is a tightly woven dance between adrenaline-induced exhilaration and knock-down-drag-out wrestling matches between my mind and my body. I identify so much with what Runnrgrrl writes, and it inspires me to keep pushing back against my inner demons because others are challenged by this as well. Running is a physical and emotional journey for me, and with each run I become stronger and more resilient against myself.

I quietly made what I consider a very ambitious New Year's resolution for 2010, and this is the first time I'm really saying it out loud: This year I want to either compete in a sprint triathlon or run a half marathon. Very do-able goals for one year, but goals that terrify me because I do not believe I'm capable of completing them. I most surely am, but convincing myself of that is difficult.

Instead of lingering at my 30 minute runs as previously stated, I've decided to launch right into an 8K program. Looking over the first few weeks, it is roughly equivalent to what I'm already doing, so it's a nice fit to slide right into. I almost wonder if I'm coddling myself too much, and if I should start training for a longer distance. I'm going to see how the first couple of weeks go and then weigh my options. I love a goal and a challenge, so here I go!

Blackbird singing in the dead of the night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Earning My Diploma

2010-01-04T07:58:00.000-05:00

So, I've officially done it! Two months after completing my first 5K, I finished the Couch to 5K program. It feels pretty slammin'.

I intended to run today around my usual stomping grounds, my neighborhood pond. Once our out of town guests had gotten on the road, my husband suggested we bring the puppy to the local soccer field and let him run around. I decided to combine that with my run to save time and spend some quality minutes with two of my favorite guys (the third being my cat, Molson). North Carolina is having a bit of a cold spell these days, and it was only 29 degrees outside when we left. Much bundling ensued, as evidenced by the picture below:

I had an utterly fantastic run. It was by far the best one in ages. I ran around the soccer field while the puppy chased me, and it was wonderful. The grassy field felt awesome on my joints and was a nice change from my usual trail. I struggled a bit for the first 5-8 minutes with my lungs, but after that was a breeze. I feel I could've run for another hour, at least. I had to cut my run short by about 5 minutes because the puppy was getting antsy, but I left on such a high. The last song that played on my iPod was "Someday" by Flipsyde, which is what I refer to as my "Rocky song." It's the song you play when you're tired and about to give up, and it completely reinvigorates you. I sprinted the last minute on sheer adrenaline and felt very much like my Blackbird self: "Someday, we're gonna break free from these chains and keep on flying."

So here I stand, official Couch to 5K graduate. I'd like to continue with my 30 minute runs for a while until I feel consistent with them, and then perhaps move on to the Gateway to 8K program. I can't wait for my next run.

I'm baaack

2010-01-03T12:54:00.000-05:00

So after four (or more, I've lost count) weeks of not running, I'm finally back on the horse. And it feels fantastic.

There were a myriad of reasons why I didn't run during those four weeks. Most of them have to do with laziness. Only a few are halfway legitimate. During that time I would occasionally get down on myself and beat myself up for not running after spending months getting my endurance up. I told myself that I had failed, once again, and given up on something I'd sworn to finish. I called myself a wuss, lazy, fat, and no good at anything. My inner demons had a field day. But then I remembered the tagline for this blog: My journey to becoming a runner. There is no "finish" to running. With each run I progress further on my journey, but there is no true end. I often struggle in life because I feel an innate need to finish things fully, and to succeed highly. Running has challenged me so thoroughly because it goes against all of my set beliefs in success. So on Friday I embraced my perceived "failures" and got back on the road.

I'd been missing running for a while, and had been dreaming up when I could start my routine again. My husband and I hosted out of town guests from Wednesday until Sunday, and I doubted I could run while they were here. I went to church on Friday morning and came home around 11:35am, prepared to go right back out the door with our guests to watch my husband's alma mater play football. As I walked through the door my husband informed me there'd been a change in plans, and we were instead leaving at "no later than 12:15pm."

I thought of my car, which desperately needed to be cleaned out so we could drive out for the day. I saw my husband washing dishes after our New Year's Eve party and could've helped him. I saw our guests hanging out in the living room, watching TV. There were a million things I should've and could've done with those unexpected 35 minutes.

But all I could see was 35 unexpected minutes. So I went running.

I couldn't do my full 40 minutes, but I squeezed in what I could. Walking towards my trail was the longest 5 minutes of my life. My legs wanted to GO. As soon as I hit the trail running I nearly wept from the smell of the woods, the slightly damp ground, the crunch of gravel beneath my sneakers. I sprinted at first from the sheer exhilaration of being reunited with my old friend. The adrenaline rush was unreal and I couldn't get enough of it.

I struggled physically with the run after my long time off. My legs felt like rock stars, but my lungs were not in the ideal mood. I had some breathing trouble periodically and walked for a minute here and there. It was also much colder outside (low 30s) than it had been when I ran previously, so physically things were just not used to what I was throwing at them. I ran for about 20 minutes before throwing myself back in the house to change and get out the door. My legs were a little shaky but it was worth it.

I immediately noticed changes in my demeanor. Instead of putting on the slightly frumpy jeans and sweater I'd had on that morning, I wore a short skirt with opaque tights and knee high boots. I feel so much better about my body when I run, and not just because I burned off some calories. When I run I think less about the scale, and more about the fact that my body is amazing and can carry me several miles at a time. I'm doing something I never thought I'd do, and everything in my life benefits from it.

This was my second-to-last workout in the Couch to 5K program. It may have taken me nearly a year to complete the entire "official" program, but I've grown so much and I cannot wait to truly graduate from the program.

Unexpected detour

2009-12-14T12:46:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago I confidently declared that I was taking "a few days" off from running in order to heal some pesky injuries I felt I was beginning to nurse. As can happen in life, a few days turned into two weeks...

The first week I truly had no good excuse. I've been so resistant to running on the treadmill because I enjoy running outside so much, but the weather has been too wet and the sun goes down before I get home from work, so I wound up not running at all. Slap on the hand for me.

The second week my husband and I became happy owners of a new puppy. He's wonderful and I'm loving every minute (except perhaps those 3am bathroom trips), but it has seriously eaten into my routine. Now that I have a week under my belt I'm ready to start making time for me again. I'm aiming to head to the gym tonight and get a good run in. I only have two Couch to 5K runs left in the program, and I'm anxious to get through them!

I always know when I'm ready for a run when I find myself watching runners in my area with a twinge of envy. I suppose I'm just going to have to tough it out on the treadmill for at least a month until the sun starts setting a bit later.

So, here I go again!

Davidson Turkey Trot - Race Report

2009-12-02T14:18:00.002-05:00

Since I'm taking a few days off from running, I figured I'd write up a race report from my first ever 5K on November 21st. I'm going to try to channel my positive memories of that experience during my dreaded treadmill workout tonight. It's been raining all day but I need to run, so off to the gym I go. Blah.

My race was wonderful overall. I went to bed early the night before, stretched out some soreness in my quads, and took my vitamins. I had a runner's halo over my head as I slept.

I awoke before my alarm went off, around 6:30am. The sun was just starting to peek out, and I could see the sky turning pink behind my blinds. It was going to be a beautiful day to race! I stayed in bed for a little while, feeling slightly panicked about the reality of actually attempting to run 3.1 miles in a couple of hours - in front of other people, no less! What if I couldn't do it? What if everyone laughed at me? Clearly my mind gives up far sooner than my body.

I ate a light but filling breakfast of wheat toast with peanut butter and a banana, along with lots of water. I had dutifully picked out my breakfast the evening before, and began putting together my race day outfit. I couldn't find the shirt I was looking for, so I naively told myself I'd just find it in the morning.

Cut to me tearing around the house like a manic creature 15 minutes before I'm scheduled to leave. Not only could I not find my black moisture-wicking t-shirt, I realized it was going to be way too cold to wear it anyway. Oh and I had yet to buy any cold weather running clothes (darn you North Carolina weather!). In a moment of desperation I threw on a long john-esque shirt I'd recently purchased to wear under a t-shirt from my alma mater, and put a sleeveless running shirt over that. I think I looked moderately ridiculous, but it did the trick. I even accessorized with a fleece headband to keep my ears warm. I wasn't raised in Buffalo for nothing!

I hustled out the door 15 minutes late and walked a mile to the race start, figuring it would be a good warmup. It felt great, and my legs felt fantastic. I had that joyous bounce in my step on the way there, that feeling that your legs just want to run already so stop with all this boring walking! I met up with some friends there before lining up for the big start.

A giant mass had formed at the starting line and people seemed to be milling about. I leisurely put my headphones on and was fiddling with my Couch to 5K iPhone app when suddenly *BANG* the gun went off. I was completely unprepared for that. It was a tiny little local 5K and they actually had a race gun!

I felt great for the first mile or so. Really, really strong. I was running faster than usual for longer, and that race adrenaline is something else. I didn't really believe it when people talked about it, but it is so true. I wish I could bottle that stuff and sip on it during my normal runs!

Around mile one I inexplicably got stomach cramps. Huh?! I ran through the pain, but that seemed to make it worse. Against my wishes I slowed down to walk, and my stomach did feel a little better. I went back up to a run and almost threw up on the side of the road. I was SO upset. All my training and I'm too cramped up to run? I walked with my coworkers for a minute or two, and then sensed that the cramps were dying down. I started to trot and felt pretty good, so I kept up the run. Thank goodness the cramps disappeared after that and I was able to continue.

Just before the halfway point I started to suffer a bit, and mentally struggled. "You can't finish this," I told myself. "You're not strong enough, not fast enough. Just give up now." I pushed through and when I saw the turnaround I got a jolt of energy. I knew that if I could make it to the halfway point then I was most certainly going to finish. I picked up some steam and passed my coworkers for the first time, along with several other people. WHEEEEEEEE.

The rest of the race I would walk for a few seconds here and there, mostly on hills. I probably could have kept running, but I felt like I was in a good place with strong legs and I wanted to keep doing what I was doing.

I caught up to my coworkers and pointed out the finish line in the distance. "Let's do this," I commanded, and off we went, sprinting to the end! Crossing that finish line was one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. I did it! It was a moment of great pride for me.

As we walked towards the tables full of bananas and water to refuel, I said to my husband, "I can't wait to do this again!"

The Aftermath

2009-11-30T12:05:00.000-05:00

After a highly valiant attempt at talking myself out of it, I did go for my promised run yesterday. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, so I was excited to be outside running. The pond was sparkling, the air was warm...and my legs were tight.

Ever since my 5K race my calves, which normally give me few problems, have not felt great. I'm also noticing that I'm somehow running even slower than normal. It's taking me about 30 minutes to run two miles...how?! Why?! I know that in my running infancy I should be focused on building up my endurance, not speed, but it's hard not to beat myself up about it as I poke around my trail at the pace of sloth.

Also, since my pavement run last Tuesday, my knees have started bothering me just a bit while running. I'm thinking that all of this adds up to Take A Break, Woman! I'm going to hold off on running until Wednesday and see how I'm feeling. I don't feel that I've been overdoing it (three runs per week is hardly extreme), but my body is adjusting to the new schedule and I don't want to mess it up by aggravating a potential injury.

So in a nutshell, yesterday's run kind of sucked, but I'm proud of myself for going. As I said, my effort to convince myself otherwise was heroic, but I pounded it out and I'm happy for that. I'm finding that it's becoming a bit harder for me to talk myself into running since my race, which is to be expected. Maybe I'll try adding a bike or other workout or two to my weekly routine and see if that helps keep my motivation high.

Finally emptying my fridge of the last of the apple pie and assorted other Thanksgiving treats should also help!

Taking It Easy

2009-11-29T14:14:00.002-05:00

Friday was an official day to rest and recover after the flurry of Thanksgiving activity. I had hoped to squeeze in an extra run (calories, I shall conquer you!), but decided to take it easy. Instead, my husband and I walked a mile into town and browsed the library for an hour before walking back home. Walking two miles when I've become used to running the same distance felt like cheating, but it was a nice way to fit in some activity without straining myself too much. Plus it was a beautiful fall day and it was great to be outside relaxing.

I'm trying to pump myself up for a run today, but I am again feeling lazy. We'll see what happens!

A Day of Thanks

2009-11-27T13:44:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was a thoroughly enjoyable Thanksgiving. I managed to cook, go for a run and spend a delightful afternoon and evening with close friends.

I had planned to sleep in a bit and wake up at 9am, bake two pies, go for a run, shower, pack up and head over to my friends' home by 2pm. Well. I woke up at 9:30am.

I then had breakfast, drank coffee and lazed around watching football highlights until 10:30am. I finally started preparing the apple pie at 11am, so I'm a few hours behind at this point. Sigh. Peeling, coring and dicing apples is a huge pain in the neck, I quickly learned, but it was enjoyable to know I was making something by hand and I had fun during the process. I didn't get the pies in the oven until close to 1pm, so I knew my 2pm deadline wasn't going to happen. I then had a decision: Go for my planned run and accept the fact that I was going to be an hour late for Thanksgiving, or stay home and get dressed, pack up the food and make it to my friends' house on time. I decided to run and hope that my friends would forgive me.

Even though it made for a late dinner, I'm so glad I went running. It was a beautiful, crisp day, and my body felt great. I decided to chance it and run on my trail, even though it had been foggy and damp that morning. Luckily the trail was in much better shape than Monday, even with a couple of muddy patches. There was a young family walking along the trail when I arrived, and they really made my run.

I did seven laps around the pond, and the first five of them took me past this family in various states of adorableness. I really enjoyed each lap as I came upon the two children either throwing leaves in the air, drawing smiley faces in the dirt, or feeding the ducks. I was sad on my sixth lap to see that they had left to go home, likely to a similarly endearing home with Thanksgiving traditions. On what would have been my eighth lap I headed home to jog back in order to reduce the amount of time I'd be out since I was already late.

As I was running, and especially as I was encountering this family, I felt really happy. This was the first time in my life that I've made a conscious decision to be active on a holiday in order to combat the onslaught of upcoming calories. Ever since my 5K race I've been very aware of the fact that I'm no longer running to train for a race. I'm running because I want to take care of my body. I'm running because I love being outside and challenging myself. I'm running because I can't quite believe that I've stuck with it this long and I want to see where this journey will take me. I want to make a refreshing run part of all my holiday traditions going forward. I want to be that young family going out and doing something active with my children while we're all together for a holiday. I want my children to see their mother making healthy and active choices in her life so that they will do the same once they're adults.

For now I'll just have to take solace in being a role model for my cats. Oh well.

Working out the kinks

2009-11-25T13:50:00.000-05:00

Last night I went for my first run since my 5K race on Saturday. My legs felt rested and I was anxious to get back into it.

Oh let's be honest: I was only supposed to rest on Sunday, but Monday I felt lazy and figured I'd "treat myself" (read: excuse for laziness) to another rest day since I worked hard on Saturday. Well Tuesday flew by and I was thinking up yet more excuses for putting off my run another day. Around 4:30 I had an inspiring talk with my sister and decided it was the kick in the pants I needed to get back on the wagon. So I headed home, changed into the first remotely-athletic clothes I could find in my living room (brand-new running pants from weekend shopping, wrinkled t-shirt and mismatched socks) and headed out the door.

It felt amazing to be back outside, the wind in my face, as I got my Couch to 5K iPhone app going. After walking for about 3 minutes I realized my shins were incredibly tight. This is fairly remarkable considering I had not one iota of shin pain during my race, but I suppose the strain was there and an extra day off didn't help matters.

I kick into high gear and start my run section, which was 28 minutes (this would have been im-freaking-possible back when I started the program). I run on a gorgeous trail around a wooded pond in my neighborhood, and it brings me such joy. Last night, however, the trail was a mess. Ever since the leaves fell off the trees a couple weeks ago, they have collected in dense patches and kept the ground damp after rain showers. This makes for a muddy trail in sections.

Picture the scene: Here I am, happily bobbing along in my new running pants, jamming to my music, and *SQUISH* go my sneakers into a muddy patch. I hike up my pants and tip toe through that section, and resume running. Run run run *SQUISH* You get the picture.

After about a mile I realized I could not keep this up. Between dodging the mud (which was rapidly collecting on the bottoms of my new pants, curses) and navigating in increasingly diminished light, I had to abandon ship for safety reasons. I dislike running on pavement because it's harder on my knees, but my only option was to head off the trail and jog on the sidewalks back home. Also, my neighborhood is HILLY. But I ran every single blessed hill, because if I was going to give up my much-loved trail I was going to embrace the cursed sidewalk. It was slow going but I ran out the duration of my 28 minutes that way. My shins were absolutely killing me by the end. Hopefully now that I've worked them out my legs will be better for the next run.

On a positive note, my lungs were workhorses and felt super strong the whole run. The first time I checked my timer was 17 minutes into the run when I had to head off the trail, which is a vast improvement over my usual 8 minute check (and then subsequent, mildly panicked 3-5 minute checks after). Even though I still run slow as molasses, I'm happy with my progress so far in terms of strength and endurance.

I'm planning on a nice, crisp run tomorrow morning in a fruitless attempt to launch a preemptive strike against Thanksgiving calories.

Opening Remarks

2009-11-25T13:09:00.000-05:00

Over the past three months or so, I've realized something about myself:

I think I'm becoming a runner.

It pains me to even say that out loud, because my mind does not believe it to be true. Runners are those lithe, muscular creatures I see lapping me on the track. They run fast and hard and often. They have fancy running gear (heart rate monitors, moisture wicking clothing, etc.) and are a breed of people I was not born into.

I've never liked running. Ever. I found it boring, difficult and painful. I have an old dance injury (tilted kneecaps) aggravated by a car accident a few years back, and for many moons I have believed wholeheartedly that I could not run. It put undue stress on my knees and, save for a surgery I'm not yet willing to have, I was going to have to live with a lifetime of knee pain. So I've always seen running as something I couldn't (shouldn't) do, and I wasn't much interested in it anyway.

Back in college I lost some weight by running at the gym, and I liked how efficient it was. My heart wasn't in it, however, and running fell by the wayside for many years. Last winter I decided to get back into a healthy lifestyle and wanted to give running another try. I was able to run/walk a 5K fairly easily on a treadmill, so I laced up my sneakers and confidently took off for a run around my block. 20 seconds later, gasping for air and shins burning, I realized that I had underestimated running. It has many forms and this particular one had thoroughly trounced me.

In an attempt to slay the beast, I started the Couch to 5K program in February to overcome my inability to run outdoors. I immediately began looking forward to my runs around the college campus where I work, even though it was very challenging for me. I started doing things like running at 7am in 28 degree weather to fit in my runs, or heading out after work in a drizzle and loving every minute. I planned on running a 5K that April and was excited to be working towards a goal.

Five or six months later...eh hem...*shifty eyes*

So I fell off the running bandwagon soon after my initial foray, but I never forgot how much I enjoyed it. In August I made another ambitious plan: I wanted to train for a sprint triathlon. If/when I actually complete one I will feel like a complete rock star. There are none scheduled in my area until the spring, so for now I've been casually training but mostly running. In that time I've run my first 5K and am on the cusp of formally graduating from Couch to 5K.

My journey is long, and more often than not it's a mental journey, as opposed to physical. I'm looking forward to talking about my workouts and sharing the effect this has had on my life. Stay tuned.