Maybe I'm Finally Getting the Hang of This

Two nights ago I fully intended to hit the gym and bike around 10 miles to start my triathlon training again. I drove to the gym and circled around the parking lot for a few minutes before I realized that something must have been happening on campus. Not only was the gym parking lot full, but the other nearby lots were packed and there were people milling around. Possibly a show going on in the theatre, which is a floor up from the gym. I decided to call my plan off. I wound up doing a 30 minute core/cardio workout at home instead. My abs are not pleased with me.

Last night I dragged myself to the gym for another treadmill run. I tried very hard to talk myself out of it, again, but ultimately I got on the dreaded machine.

Something I never thought I'd say: The treadmill is growing on me. I like that I can run faster on it, and that I can track my progress. As much as I love my pond trail, and I can fairly accurately count my pace based on time and distance (each loop around the pond is just shy of .25 miles), I don't get the same feedback as I do from the treadmill. Maybe our strained relationship can be improved after all.

Each time I do a treadmill run I try to edge my speed up a notch or two. Tiny notches, but they add up. A couple weeks ago I was consistently running at 5.2mph, and now I'm up to 5.8mph with some forays into the 6s. Still freaking slow, but steady improvement. I ran harder than usual, and embraced the sweat and the pain in my legs. Time seemed to fly by as I focused on my distance and pace, not time. About halfway through the workout I realized that I could reach a total of 4 miles if I stepped it up a bit, so I did. In the dying seconds of my run I was flat out - I got up to 8mph. So that's what an 8 minute mile feels like! And I realized...it's hard. But it's not THAT hard. I haven't been pushing myself enough, so from now on each run I really want to work on my intensity and speed. I CAN do it, I just need to put in the effort and dedication.

The run ended with me furiously pounding away at 8mph, as the distance calculator climbed to 3.96, 3.97....and then stopped. My 46 minutes had come to an end and the treadmill shut down. That 3.97 is going to taunt me for a while, but it will be conquered soon. This was my last workout of Week 2, so my next run will put me up to four repetitions of running 9 minutes, walking 1 minute. I can't wait.

Breakthrough?

Last night I thought I was going to have an awful run. I really had to talk myself into going at all, plus my shins were still incredibly tight. I started running really, really slowly and figured I would just push through and get the run done and move on.

About a half mile in I realized that if I ran faster my shins actually felt better, as though the tension was being worked out of them, so I kept up the pace. I was by no means flying, but I was running faster than usual. I began to lock into that pace after my designated minute walking sections and my muscles could "feel" that pace again. It was great. Instead of my pace increasing and slowing over the course of a run it stayed pretty consistent, and it was more challenging for me. I read today about the concept of tempo runs and I think I accidentally stumbled into something similar last night.

I'm far, far from my goal pace, but last night I was definitely faster and I'm encouraged by that. I felt fantastic when I got home and I'm excited for tomorrow's run. Tonight I hit the bike at the gym.

A New Focus?

My cryptically-referred-to swim never materialized yesterday. I got caught up in housework fever, plus my legs were feeling very sore from my last two runs and I didn't want to overdo it. These are all lovely excuses for the real reason: I am avoiding getting back in that pool.

I last swam on Labor Day at the start of my first foray into triathlon training. I was a fish growing up, always in my parents' pool and was a great swimmer. That was...many years ago. I'm also largely a self-taught swimmer because I was medically excused from gym class beginning in 7th grade (knee injury), so my technique gets me from Point A to Point B but not very efficiently.

First of all, I get a bit overwhelmed by new things. Locating the pool, establishing space in the locker room and figuring out where to check in/how many yards the pool was/what the rules were really made me nervous. Quite honestly, this is likely the real reason why I've been avoiding going back in the pool. I like routine, and new-ish things are not routine. I need to get over this. Once in the pool and swimming I quickly realized that the other swimmers were swimming much differently than I was. I was never really properly taught how to freestyle, so I don't put my head in the water and my kick is sort of a breast stroke/wild flailing hybrid. It is slow but, more importantly, it completely exhausts me because it's so much work. I've been watching freestyle technique videos online and need to basically re-train myself how to do it. This also feels like a daunting task.

Why am I focused on getting back in the pool? Because I think I might want (translation: I want but don't want to commit because I'm terrified I can't do it) to compete in a sprint triathlon in mid-April. Logically I know that I CAN do it. The swim portion is only 300 yards, which I should be able to manage quite nimbly with three months to go. The bike part is only 10 miles, which I can easily do. I've already run a 5K and am training for 8K. This should be a piece of cake.

Except I'm terrified. At the beginning of this journey, back in August, I declared to my friend that if I ever completed a triathlon I would feel like the biggest badass in the world. Her response: "Then do it. What's stopping you?" Simple but true. I've been psyching myself out of it for months now, convinced that my physical and mental abilities are somehow too inferior to contemplate actually completing a tri. Putting a hard date on it (April 18, gulp....) is scaring the bejesus out of me. I'm avoiding registering until the last minute "just in case." Just in case what?! I break my leg? I move away? That I'm somehow "not ready" even though I'm already prepared for two out of three portions, with the third being do-able within a few weeks of training? I'm a loon.

...Oh but I hope to soon also be a triathlete!

Tough, But Enjoyable

I just got back from my Week 2, Day 1 run in GW28K. Overall it wasn't a great run, but I enjoyed myself and it feels good to persevere through a tough workout.

My calves were real tight the whole run, so I ran slightly below turtle in pacing. My husband and I took the puppy back out to the soccer field, where I'd had a great run last time. This time I felt a bit winded and suffered with my calves, but I got my run in and that's what matters.

The skies were gray but the temperature was in the high 50s, so it was a great time to run. While I was running I noticed a college employee come up to my husband and start talking, so I jogged over to investigate. Turns out we're not supposed to have the dog out on the soccer field...whoops. As the employee left, my husband grumbles under his breath, "Dogs aren't allowed, but evidently jugglers are just fine," with a pointed glare at some students on the other side of the field.

The cross country trails were recommended to us, so perhaps we'll check those out next weekend. I've been meaning to find and run on those for some time, so this will be a good excuse.

I'm beginning to ramble a bit and lose focus...which is my cue to sign off for the moment. Tomorrow is a big day: My first swim since September. Why swimming, you ask? Stay tuned for the next post...

A Return to Form

Last night I eagerly hurried home to run outside before the 6pm sunset. It was lovely outside, in the low-to-mid 50s, and my attire of Adidas pants and long-sleeved cotton shirt were perfect.

I felt strong in my run, even though I continuously stressed about my speed (or lack thereof). It's frustrating to run 2.5 miles outdoors in the same amount of time it takes me to run 3.5 miles on the treadmill. And I'm not even running that fast on the treadmill! Grr.

The pond was almost entirely frozen, which was beautiful. The trail was icy in patches so I had to be careful. This is why I don't enjoy the treadmill as much as my pond:

I had to stop and take a picture of this scene last night. The sunset was so beautiful, and the reflection off the half-frozen water was gorgeous. I thoroughly enjoyed my run.

I do feel that my strength and endurance are improving. I'd love some pointers on how to improve my speed, as well.

Next scheduled run: Saturday, if it doesn't rain. Gateway to 8K Week Two: Here I come!

Back on Track

After a somewhat disappointing start to my 8K program, I was anxious for my second workout to erase the unpleasant memories of the first. I unfortunately came down with a cold, likely brought on by pre-semester stress at work, and didn't feel like myself for days. In fact, I still feel very worn down, but by and large my cold has passed. Tuesday marked my first day running since I started feeling under the weather.

The run was better. I had my own, fully functional headphones, which made a huge difference. The glitches still existed in the GW28K iPhone app, but I expected them this time and planned around then. I was able to sustain my pace more consistently, and I ran a little faster. I really struggled in sections. It's frustrating because when I'm outside I can run 25+ minutes and want to go further, but on the treadmill I'm running like a lead balloon and dying from boredom by minute 4. I need to learn to make peace with the treadmill.

A benefit of the treadmill, as I mentioned before, is that I can monitor my pace and distance. As stated before, I'm a slow runner. Turtles could pass me. My first run I started at 6.2mph for a song or two (Lady Gaga's "Bad Romance" does that to me), but then camped out around 5.2mph for the duration of the run. This time I consistently held at 5.6mph and did my warmup, walking sections, and cool down all at 3.5mph. That allowed me to run further than I had last time, 3.5 miles as opposed to 3.3. I'd like to keep up this pattern and edge up my speed each week, and perhaps reset back down once a new week and distance start if I find I can't keep that pace for longer. We'll see.

Overall the run was fine. I will learn to love the treadmill one of these days.

In brighter news, North Carolina has finally started thawing out. And by thawing out I mean "out of the 30s," which is cold for down here. Today it's supposed to hit 55, so I'm fully intending to speed home after work, throw on my workout clothes and go running around the pond. Perhaps a good old-fashioned run outdoors will reinvigorate me.

Gateway to 8K

Yesterday marked my first workout on the Gateway to 8K plan, an extension of my beloved Couch to 5K. It went....so-so.

I knew it would be a treadmill workout, because I'd be getting home after dark and North Carolina is going through a cold spell this week, so I admit I wasn't looking forward too much to my run. I diligently packed my gym bag in the morning and tried to pump myself up for the run all day. A million things conspired to convince me out of the workout, but I persevered.

First, I drove past the gym on my way home. I then had to make a left onto a busy road to get back, but I did it. I then discovered that I'd forgotten to pack headphones for my iPhone, and I absolutely abhor running, especially on the treadmill, without music. I managed to scrounge a pair up from the student help desk that only played music into one ear, but it worked. It took a fair amount of diddling around with the headphone jack to get it to properly play in my phone, but no matter. I thus began my run.

The GW28K app was disappointingly buggy. There was a definite glitch in the run times, as it listed 3 running sections and 3 walking sections, but then tacked on standalone run and walk sections at the end, confusingly. I kept adjusting the time on my treadmill and basically just couldn't relax and enjoy my run. The app also wouldn't allow me to shuffle my music, so I had to grit my teeth through an alphabetical run-through of my songs. I'm anxiously awaiting a software update.

I found the run challenging, as I tend to find treadmill runs. I did run faster than usual because I was on a treadmill, so I suppose it's good for me to practice that pace. I get too distracted by the treadmill, however. I'm constantly checking my time, speed, etc. One thing I did not check, however, was calories burned. Generally when I'm on a piece of gym equipment I watch my calories like a hawk circling over prey. This time I didn't think about it until this morning, when I realized I hadn't looked at my calorie count. It feels good to workout for aerobic benefit and pure enjoyment instead of weight loss.

Speaking of weight loss, I've been quietly and steadily shedding some pounds since early December. Usually when I try to lose weight I utilize various combinations of strict calorie watching and constant exercise. This time I've simply been eating moderate portions of whatever I want, and making healthy choices when at the grocery store or at restaurants. I even managed to lose a little weight over Christmas.  As of this morning I'm down 7lbs and I'm thrilled. Running has definitely contributed, and I'm excited to see how much further I can go.

Doubt

I've tried my hardest to be very honest with this blog. In the past I'd want to hide my flaws and failures. In the past I wouldn't have drawn attention to my four week running lapse, because I would have felt ashamed. Heck, I probably would've stopped blogging entirely because I wouldn't have wanted to admit to my perceived mistakes. My fear of failure and public ridicule is earth shatteringly strong and I'm the first to recognize that.

Self doubt and failure are issues I struggle with every day, even beyond running, and they're issues I felt were important to write about for my own well being and that of anyone reading my humble blog. I had intended to write a post about this in the upcoming weeks, when I read a well-timed entry on another running blog that I found very touching:

"i still doubt before every run. i wanted this year's goal to be enjoy. but i need to believe first. i can't enjoy the thrill of a run because i still feel like i need to prove to myself that i'm good enough. the more i run the closer i get to believing. it will happen."

I identify so much with this, and I'm sure others do as well. I believe that part of the reason why it was easy for me to slip into a long running lapse is because, frankly, convincing myself to run is exhausting. It goes something like this:

"I should run. But it'll be such a pain to get changed and go outside in this dark/cold/whatever weather. And then I have to RUN, and I can't run. I'm so slow compared to other runners. I'm going to get laughed out of any races I run because I'm so darn slow. I'm not even good at this anyway. Look, my legs are hurting, my lungs are heaving...this must all mean I'm not a real runner. I'm not good enough to be considered a real runner. I should just stop now before other runners see me and realize I'm just a pretender."

It is mental draining for me to run. It is a tightly woven dance between adrenaline-induced exhilaration and knock-down-drag-out wrestling matches between my mind and my body. I identify so much with what Runnrgrrl writes, and it inspires me to keep pushing back against my inner demons because others are challenged by this as well. Running is a physical and emotional journey for me, and with each run I become stronger and more resilient against myself.

I quietly made what I consider a very ambitious New Year's resolution for 2010, and this is the first time I'm really saying it out loud: This year I want to either compete in a sprint triathlon or run a half marathon. Very do-able goals for one year, but goals that terrify me because I do not believe I'm capable of completing them. I most surely am, but convincing myself of that is difficult.

Instead of lingering at my 30 minute runs as previously stated, I've decided to launch right into an 8K program. Looking over the first few weeks, it is roughly equivalent to what I'm already doing, so it's a nice fit to slide right into. I almost wonder if I'm coddling myself too much, and if I should start training for a longer distance. I'm going to see how the first couple of weeks go and then weigh my options. I love a goal and a challenge, so here I go!

Blackbird singing in the dead of the night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Earning My Diploma

So, I've officially done it! Two months after completing my first 5K, I finished the Couch to 5K program. It feels pretty slammin'.

I intended to run today around my usual stomping grounds, my neighborhood pond. Once our out of town guests had gotten on the road, my husband suggested we bring the puppy to the local soccer field and let him run around. I decided to combine that with my run to save time and spend some quality minutes with two of my favorite guys (the third being my cat, Molson). North Carolina is having a bit of a cold spell these days, and it was only 29 degrees outside when we left. Much bundling ensued, as evidenced by the picture below:

I had an utterly fantastic run. It was by far the best one in ages. I ran around the soccer field while the puppy chased me, and it was wonderful. The grassy field felt awesome on my joints and was a nice change from my usual trail. I struggled a bit for the first 5-8 minutes with my lungs, but after that was a breeze. I feel I could've run for another hour, at least. I had to cut my run short by about 5 minutes because the puppy was getting antsy, but I left on such a high.  The last song that played on my iPod was "Someday" by Flipsyde, which is what I refer to as my "Rocky song." It's the song you play when you're tired and about to give up, and it completely reinvigorates you. I sprinted the last minute on sheer adrenaline and felt very much like my Blackbird self: "Someday, we're gonna break free from these chains and keep on flying."

So here I stand, official Couch to 5K graduate. I'd like to continue with my 30 minute runs for a while until I feel consistent with them, and then perhaps move on to the Gateway to 8K program. I can't wait for my next run.

I'm baaack

So after four (or more, I've lost count) weeks of not running, I'm finally back on the horse. And it feels fantastic.

There were a myriad of reasons why I didn't run during those four weeks. Most of them have to do with laziness. Only a few are halfway legitimate. During that time I would occasionally get down on myself and beat myself up for not running after spending months getting my endurance up. I told myself that I had failed, once again, and given up on something I'd sworn to finish. I called myself a wuss, lazy, fat, and no good at anything. My inner demons had a field day.  But then I remembered the tagline for this blog: My journey to becoming a runner. There is no "finish" to running. With each run I progress further on my journey, but there is no true end. I often struggle in life because I feel an innate need to finish things fully, and to succeed highly. Running has challenged me so thoroughly because it goes against all of my set beliefs in success. So on Friday I embraced my perceived "failures" and got back on the road.

I'd been missing running for a while, and had been dreaming up when I could start my routine again. My husband and I hosted out of town guests from Wednesday until Sunday, and I doubted I could run while they were here. I went to church on Friday morning and came home around 11:35am, prepared to go right back out the door with our guests to watch my husband's alma mater play football. As I walked through the door my husband informed me there'd been a change in plans, and we were instead leaving at "no later than 12:15pm."

I thought of my car, which desperately needed to be cleaned out so we could drive out for the day. I saw my husband washing dishes after our New Year's Eve party and could've helped him. I saw our guests hanging out in the living room, watching TV. There were a million things I should've and could've done with those unexpected 35 minutes.

But all I could see was 35 unexpected minutes. So I went running.

I couldn't do my full 40 minutes, but I squeezed in what I could. Walking towards my trail was the longest 5 minutes of my life. My legs wanted to GO. As soon as I hit the trail running I nearly wept from the smell of the woods, the slightly damp ground, the crunch of gravel beneath my sneakers. I sprinted at first from the sheer exhilaration of being reunited with my old friend. The adrenaline rush was unreal and I couldn't get enough of it.

I struggled physically with the run after my long time off. My legs felt like rock stars, but my lungs were not in the ideal mood. I had some breathing trouble periodically and walked for a minute here and there. It was also much colder outside (low 30s) than it had been when I ran previously, so physically things were just not used to what I was throwing at them. I ran for about 20 minutes before throwing myself back in the house to change and get out the door. My legs were a little shaky but it was worth it.

I immediately noticed changes in my demeanor. Instead of putting on the slightly frumpy jeans and sweater I'd had on that morning, I wore a short skirt with opaque tights and knee high boots. I feel so much better about my body when I run, and not just because I burned off some calories. When I run I think less about the scale, and more about the fact that my body is amazing and can carry me several miles at a time. I'm doing something I never thought I'd do, and everything in my life benefits from it.

This was my second-to-last workout in the Couch to 5K program. It may have taken me nearly a year to complete the entire "official" program, but I've grown so much and I cannot wait to truly graduate from the program.