Doubt

I've tried my hardest to be very honest with this blog. In the past I'd want to hide my flaws and failures. In the past I wouldn't have drawn attention to my four week running lapse, because I would have felt ashamed. Heck, I probably would've stopped blogging entirely because I wouldn't have wanted to admit to my perceived mistakes. My fear of failure and public ridicule is earth shatteringly strong and I'm the first to recognize that.

Self doubt and failure are issues I struggle with every day, even beyond running, and they're issues I felt were important to write about for my own well being and that of anyone reading my humble blog. I had intended to write a post about this in the upcoming weeks, when I read a well-timed entry on another running blog that I found very touching:

"i still doubt before every run. i wanted this year's goal to be enjoy. but i need to believe first. i can't enjoy the thrill of a run because i still feel like i need to prove to myself that i'm good enough. the more i run the closer i get to believing. it will happen."

I identify so much with this, and I'm sure others do as well. I believe that part of the reason why it was easy for me to slip into a long running lapse is because, frankly, convincing myself to run is exhausting. It goes something like this:

"I should run. But it'll be such a pain to get changed and go outside in this dark/cold/whatever weather. And then I have to RUN, and I can't run. I'm so slow compared to other runners. I'm going to get laughed out of any races I run because I'm so darn slow. I'm not even good at this anyway. Look, my legs are hurting, my lungs are heaving...this must all mean I'm not a real runner. I'm not good enough to be considered a real runner. I should just stop now before other runners see me and realize I'm just a pretender."

It is mental draining for me to run. It is a tightly woven dance between adrenaline-induced exhilaration and knock-down-drag-out wrestling matches between my mind and my body. I identify so much with what Runnrgrrl writes, and it inspires me to keep pushing back against my inner demons because others are challenged by this as well. Running is a physical and emotional journey for me, and with each run I become stronger and more resilient against myself.

I quietly made what I consider a very ambitious New Year's resolution for 2010, and this is the first time I'm really saying it out loud: This year I want to either compete in a sprint triathlon or run a half marathon. Very do-able goals for one year, but goals that terrify me because I do not believe I'm capable of completing them. I most surely am, but convincing myself of that is difficult.

Instead of lingering at my 30 minute runs as previously stated, I've decided to launch right into an 8K program. Looking over the first few weeks, it is roughly equivalent to what I'm already doing, so it's a nice fit to slide right into. I almost wonder if I'm coddling myself too much, and if I should start training for a longer distance. I'm going to see how the first couple of weeks go and then weigh my options. I love a goal and a challenge, so here I go!

Blackbird singing in the dead of the night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise.